My unofficial guide to drunk- texting


me and phone

Ooops…I did it again


1.) Don’t do it!

If you can help it, don’t do it. When going on a night out it’s always safer to bring your phone for obvious reasons however if you’re just getting pissed at home it’s best to turn it off and put in your drawer so you won’t be tempted or better still put it in the hands of your more sensible friend who always stops drinking when they reach just the right level of tipsy. However this isn’t a guide for sensible individuals so….

2.) Keep it light

It’s best not to spew out too many of your emotions or darkest secrets via text (you’ll be spewing up enough later). Affirmations like “I love you” and questions like “Should we be exclusive?” really lose their potency in a text message and deserve to be discussed for the first time face to face.

3.) Never text an ex

We’ve all done it but texting an ex is never a good idea especially when you’re drunk. All of the bitterness, the anger or the longing to get back together with the other person will just culminate to form a message which at the time you think eloquently and poetically expresses how you feel but in reality it’s something like  “U cheated on me. like what? m8 so happy we’re overs.”

4.) Be flirty, not dirty 

I think downright dirty texts in isolation are just a bit vulgar but if they’re part of an ongoing repartee by all means crack on. I think it’s always better not to give too much of the game away though so a flirty text which offers everything but promises nothing is perfect. e.g “it’s so hot tonight I have to sleep naked. Wish I had a fan.”

5.) Don’t make it obvious that you’re drunk

This is probably the hardest thing to do but once you’ve mastered predictive texting it’s all plain sailing from there. Avoid stating how much you’ve drunk as well as it will just strip the credibility from anything you say thereafter.

6.) Make sure you send it to the intended recipient

There’s nothing more embarrassing than accidentally sending a text to your mum which says “hey sexy, want you in my bed” so please always double check that you’ve got the right recipient keyed in.

7.) Have no regrets

So if you can’t follow this guide to a T, I’m frankly not surprised- we all say things we regret when we’re drunk and the invention of texting has just made it all the more easier for us to make complete arses of ourselves. If you wake up the next day to realise that you’ve sent a text which is diabolically embarrassing/revealing/regrettable the best thing you can do is just hold your head high and make a false promise to yourself that you will never again drink and text. At least you have a funny story.